Sunday, Dec 21st 2008

21 12 2008

Setelah sekian lama, akirnya gue ga tahan n pgn berkepo ria ngeblog. Hari ini bnr2 exhausting. Mpe puyeng pala guee. Mpe gue jd mulai berpikir soal hal2 random yg pgn gue bagi ke org2. *supaya org laen jg ikutan random* hahaha.

1. Marah itu egois.

Iya, believe it or not, i’ve just realized that being angry is egoistic. You can only feel angry when you allow yourself to. And you can only allow yourself to feel angry when you’re thinking ONLY about yourself, when you don’t consider anything but YOU. I’m so sensitive today that I cried at church. Pas lg dgr lagu2 Natal. Pertamanya gue pikir itu gr2 gue bntar lg dah msti balik ke perantauan *which looks like hell compared to my life at home*, tp stlh gue pikir2 lg it was because of what I saw, not what I felt. Lo pd mgkn lg bertanya2, apa sih mank yg gue liat? *well, gue assume lo pd cukup kepo utk bertanya2* Sbnrnya sama aja sih ma yg jemaat laen liat. Gue liat mimbar dgn sgala kemeriahan hiasan Natal, pendeta, worship leader, singers, dancers. Exactly, DANCERS. I used to be one of them. I used to get on stage at least once in every week. Tp smenjak gue pulang, berhubung gue membulat dan udah lama ga latian, gue br tgs sekali. As in SEKALI. Once in THREE BLOODY WEEKS. Lo pd ga bs bayangin rasanya, ngliat mrk nari di mimbar sana DAN CUMA BISA NGLIAT AJA. Next Sunday is the last Sunday in 2008, and it’s also my last Sunday in Indonesia before I go back to Singapore. Maka di tngah2 air mata gue yg melodramaticly mulai bertetesan, gue dah membulatkan tekad, whatever happens gue hrs ngmg ma om n tante manager bahwa gue pgn bgt tugas minggu dpn. Lucunya, stlh gue membulatkan tekad bwt menebalkan muka n mengemis minta ditugasin, tiba2 ada rapat n kita smua diminta ke rmh om tante. *om tante are husband and wife, they’re living in the same house. yaiyalahyaa*

Nyampe sono, singkat cerita, gue br tau klo trnyata ada mslh politik n intinya om tante mo ngundurin diri n bkl nyerahin management dance ke org laen. Gue SIYOK. Kyknya br bbrp jm yg lalu gue dgn egois dan sombongnya marah ma si om tante simply because they don’t put me on duty to dance. Tiba2 gue dibukakan matanya bahwa mrk tuh msh pny bnyk bgt urusan *rumit pula* yg hrs mrk atur, dan naro dancer gndut yg dah lama ga latian di panggung adalah pilihan sempurna utk menambah masalah kalo aja mrk ga kburu pny bgitu banyak. Gue ngrasa bahwa gue SOMBONG banget mpe gue ngrasa pantes minta tampil, dan gue EGOIS banget krn gue pikir mrk ga pny urusan laen slaen membwt gue bahagia! OMG.. Sorry om tante..

2. One of the measurements of a good leader.

Stlh sesi penuh air mata wkt kita dgn sdihnya trpaksa menerima knyataan bahwa pergantian managers is sort of inevitable, satu per satu kita mulai tny2 om tante. Apa mrk ga mo pikir2 lg? Apa mgkn mrk brubah kputusan? Trus klo ga blh ngundurin diri gimana? Dan pertanyaan2 kepo lainnya. Entah sapa yg mulai, we ended up stating what we will do if the worst thing really happens. To my surprise, most of the dancers are so loyal that they consider to resign as well. Di masa di mana kesetiaan itu barang mahal, gue kaget bgt liat mrk bs bgitu attached ma om tante mpe mrk consider utk ikutan mngundurkan diri. I do acknowledge things are going to be different without them, but “resign” didn’t come across my mind.

Akirnya gue menyadari bahwa salah satu tolok ukur apakah lo seorg pemimpin yg baik ya itu, apakah org2 akan seloyal itu utk ikut lo? Would they resign simply because you resigned? Would they go the extra mile with you VOLUNTARILY? Dan gue sadar btapa hebatnya om tante. Btapa berhasilnya mrk sbg pemimpin. Liat aja air mata gue n tmn2 gue td, and you’d understand what I’m talking about.

3. Naek Xenia ber10 dan duduk di bangku blakang is the closest thing to torture I’ve experienced.

Yakk, dr td mgkn lo mikir knp si Maya bs dgn anehnya mikir ngalor ngidul kmana2. *once again I assume lo sekepo itu utk berpikir* Because I had a lot of time to think and contemplate about my life. Jd tadi kita ber10 naek Xenia, kbtulan gue duduk di paling blakang. Dan itu PANAS banget, AC GA SAMPE BLAKANG, I was running out of oxygen, KESEMPITAN, singkat kata it was a TORTURE. Gue bs ngrasain otak gue mulai susah dipake mikir. Gue bs ngrasain paru2 gue mulai bekerja dgn susah payah. Gue bs ngrasain tangan tetangga gue di rusuk gue. *soalnya jlnnya agak belok2* Dan gue bahkan mulai merasa idup gue diputer kyk pelem di dpn mata gue. Ok, it sounds creepy. Hahaha.. Tapi yah akirnya drpd gue ngrasain smua itu mndg gue mikir. Ato brusaha mikir lbh tpatnya. Jadinya ya hasil perenungan gue yg di atas ituu. Very random I understand. Maklumilah. Gue bangga msh bs mikir soal hal2 itu.

Duta Mas, Dec 21st, 09.08pm


Friday, Nov 21st 2008

21 11 2008

I do think that the biggest problem of humankind is our incapability to distinguish what we need from what we want. Most of the time, we don’t need what we want and we think we don’t want what we need. When we want something, we usually make it our NEED. We talk and feel and act and hear as if we NEEDED IT SO MUCH. That we can’t live without it.

Maybe I’m just generalizing, but it really is my biggest problem at this moment.

I want something and I put it in a way that makes me feel like needing it. Oh yeah, so much. Very very much. I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT. But I just can’t have it.

I literally can’t have it. And I will never be able to.

So what?

Turns out that I’m still breathing right now.

I’m still typing right now.

Still hearing the car’s roar from the street.

Still feeling the night breeze.

Still craving for chocolate to calm myself.

Still wanting it.

Still suffering the pain of not having it.

So what?

Guess I still have some chapters to learn for the exam.

Guess I will just sleep right away, studying now won’t make any good.

Guess I’m quite okay.

Guess I can stop bringing this topic up, like you wish.

Guess I can live without it.


SMU Hostel, November 21st, 10.42pm

Sunday, Nov 9th 2008

9 11 2008

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
be with myself and center, clarity,
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

The path that I’m walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps til I’m full grown, full grown
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they
And I foreseek the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and uno cards
I‘ll be your best friend and you’ll be mine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it’s time for me to go home
It’s getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity,
Peace, Serenity, yeah

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
and big girls don’t cry

Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

Friday, Nov 7th 2008

7 11 2008

Saya tidak suka kata CUMA.

It’s in our blood. We, humans, are not easily satisfied. We are greedy. Greed is the one which makes the world goes round, said an economist. So, since I am a human, it is my right to be greedy sometimes. Well, of course “right” is not a proper word for it. But it is JUSTIFIABLE for me to be greedy.

I am greedy now.

I want more.

To be fair, I’ve already got what I want. I’ve seen what I want to see, I’ve heard what I want to hear. BUT, it is followed by the damned word CUMA.

All that i want, served in front of me I might say, but there’s a CUMA following.

And I don’t like it. I want more. Not that I’m egoistic, not that I’m childish, I just know that we are hypocrites. I know I want it, I know you want it. You don’t want to admit that YOU want it TOO. I have to pretend that I DON’T WANT IT. And it’s exhausting.

Since I know “you” are not going to read this after all, I’ll just spit it out. WE ARE THE HYPOCRITES. Oh yes, we are. I know you know that we all know, as long as there is a CUMA following your statement, it is not enough for both of us.

Do you say words like that to everyone?

Do you walk like that with everyone?

Do you ask questions like that to everyone?

Do you see their eyes the way you see mine?

Do you?

Cos if you do, then I’m not for you.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 7th, 05.38pm

Wednesday, Nov 5th 2008

5 11 2008

Inikah rasanya bila ku sedang jatuh cinta?

Setiap hela nafas kubahagia

Mengenal hatimu hadirkan indahnya dunia

Kau bawa irama cinta di jiwa

Semua yang kumau hanyalah dirimu, satu

Kaulah jawaban semua doa

Semua yang kurasa rindu dalam asa

Didekap cinta

Hatiku untukmu

Haruskah diriku bertanya pada bintang-bintang?

Pantaskah ku mengharap cintanya?

Semua yang kumau hanyalah dirimu, satu

Kaulah pelita di dalam jiwa

Semua yang kurasa rindu dalam asa

Didekap cinta

Hatiku untukmu

Hanyalah untukmu

-Hanya Untukmu, Ten 2 Five

Jgn kuatir, gue cm lg dgr tu lagu n mnurud gue lagunya enak bgt. Hahaha.. Gawad ni, ujan trus bikin mellow.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 5th, 04.50pm

Saturday, Nov 1st 2008

1 11 2008

I skipped the choir practice this morning. I really don’t feel like singing right now. Everything seems wrong, feels wrong, may be because everything IS wrong. Now I’m sitting alone in the library, looking through the window near printing room. What a spot, nice view, nice sofa, nice ambience. It doesn’t really help though. Some things are still wrong.

Life is full of twists and turns.

That’s why I love life. It never bores me. But for now, I do think I need something more stable. Something more steady. Because life has fooled me. There’s no such thing that is “steady”.

The only constant thing in this world is CHANGE. –Albert Einstein

I don’t like changes. Not this particular change, not this particular time. Not me.

Not me.

Life is ironic.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 1st, 03.19pm

Wednesday, Oct 29th 2008

29 10 2008

My feet are cold.

My head is spinning.

And I start to think whether it’s because of you.

Well, not really. No need to be that proud. HAHAHA.

Ini pasti gara2 bsk kls pagi lengkap dgn presentasi n quiz. I dunno why, bsk kls kdua gue yg presentasi brg quiz. Pusing, ngantuk, mo kluar dr sini sejenak. Dan ada org yg msh brusaha bcanda. Sayang garing n malah bikin gue pgn marah.

Li Ka Shing Library, Oct 29th, 08.13pm