Sunday, Dec 21st 2008

Setelah sekian lama, akirnya gue ga tahan n pgn berkepo ria ngeblog. Hari ini bnr2 exhausting. Mpe puyeng pala guee. Mpe gue jd mulai berpikir soal hal2 random yg pgn gue bagi ke org2. *supaya org laen jg ikutan random* hahaha.

1. Marah itu egois.

Iya, believe it or not, i’ve just realized that being angry is egoistic. You can only feel angry when you allow yourself to. And you can only allow yourself to feel angry when you’re thinking ONLY about yourself, when you don’t consider anything but YOU. I’m so sensitive today that I cried at church. Pas lg dgr lagu2 Natal. Pertamanya gue pikir itu gr2 gue bntar lg dah msti balik ke perantauan *which looks like hell compared to my life at home*, tp stlh gue pikir2 lg it was because of what I saw, not what I felt. Lo pd mgkn lg bertanya2, apa sih mank yg gue liat? *well, gue assume lo pd cukup kepo utk bertanya2* Sbnrnya sama aja sih ma yg jemaat laen liat. Gue liat mimbar dgn sgala kemeriahan hiasan Natal, pendeta, worship leader, singers, dancers. Exactly, DANCERS. I used to be one of them. I used to get on stage at least once in every week. Tp smenjak gue pulang, berhubung gue membulat dan udah lama ga latian, gue br tgs sekali. As in SEKALI. Once in THREE BLOODY WEEKS. Lo pd ga bs bayangin rasanya, ngliat mrk nari di mimbar sana DAN CUMA BISA NGLIAT AJA. Next Sunday is the last Sunday in 2008, and it’s also my last Sunday in Indonesia before I go back to Singapore. Maka di tngah2 air mata gue yg melodramaticly mulai bertetesan, gue dah membulatkan tekad, whatever happens gue hrs ngmg ma om n tante manager bahwa gue pgn bgt tugas minggu dpn. Lucunya, stlh gue membulatkan tekad bwt menebalkan muka n mengemis minta ditugasin, tiba2 ada rapat n kita smua diminta ke rmh om tante. *om tante are husband and wife, they’re living in the same house. yaiyalahyaa*

Nyampe sono, singkat cerita, gue br tau klo trnyata ada mslh politik n intinya om tante mo ngundurin diri n bkl nyerahin management dance ke org laen. Gue SIYOK. Kyknya br bbrp jm yg lalu gue dgn egois dan sombongnya marah ma si om tante simply because they don’t put me on duty to dance. Tiba2 gue dibukakan matanya bahwa mrk tuh msh pny bnyk bgt urusan *rumit pula* yg hrs mrk atur, dan naro dancer gndut yg dah lama ga latian di panggung adalah pilihan sempurna utk menambah masalah kalo aja mrk ga kburu pny bgitu banyak. Gue ngrasa bahwa gue SOMBONG banget mpe gue ngrasa pantes minta tampil, dan gue EGOIS banget krn gue pikir mrk ga pny urusan laen slaen membwt gue bahagia! OMG.. Sorry om tante..

2. One of the measurements of a good leader.

Stlh sesi penuh air mata wkt kita dgn sdihnya trpaksa menerima knyataan bahwa pergantian managers is sort of inevitable, satu per satu kita mulai tny2 om tante. Apa mrk ga mo pikir2 lg? Apa mgkn mrk brubah kputusan? Trus klo ga blh ngundurin diri gimana? Dan pertanyaan2 kepo lainnya. Entah sapa yg mulai, we ended up stating what we will do if the worst thing really happens. To my surprise, most of the dancers are so loyal that they consider to resign as well. Di masa di mana kesetiaan itu barang mahal, gue kaget bgt liat mrk bs bgitu attached ma om tante mpe mrk consider utk ikutan mngundurkan diri. I do acknowledge things are going to be different without them, but “resign” didn’t come across my mind.

Akirnya gue menyadari bahwa salah satu tolok ukur apakah lo seorg pemimpin yg baik ya itu, apakah org2 akan seloyal itu utk ikut lo? Would they resign simply because you resigned? Would they go the extra mile with you VOLUNTARILY? Dan gue sadar btapa hebatnya om tante. Btapa berhasilnya mrk sbg pemimpin. Liat aja air mata gue n tmn2 gue td, and you’d understand what I’m talking about.

3. Naek Xenia ber10 dan duduk di bangku blakang is the closest thing to torture I’ve experienced.

Yakk, dr td mgkn lo mikir knp si Maya bs dgn anehnya mikir ngalor ngidul kmana2. *once again I assume lo sekepo itu utk berpikir* Because I had a lot of time to think and contemplate about my life. Jd tadi kita ber10 naek Xenia, kbtulan gue duduk di paling blakang. Dan itu PANAS banget, AC GA SAMPE BLAKANG, I was running out of oxygen, KESEMPITAN, singkat kata it was a TORTURE. Gue bs ngrasain otak gue mulai susah dipake mikir. Gue bs ngrasain paru2 gue mulai bekerja dgn susah payah. Gue bs ngrasain tangan tetangga gue di rusuk gue. *soalnya jlnnya agak belok2* Dan gue bahkan mulai merasa idup gue diputer kyk pelem di dpn mata gue. Ok, it sounds creepy. Hahaha.. Tapi yah akirnya drpd gue ngrasain smua itu mndg gue mikir. Ato brusaha mikir lbh tpatnya. Jadinya ya hasil perenungan gue yg di atas ituu. Very random I understand. Maklumilah. Gue bangga msh bs mikir soal hal2 itu.

Duta Mas, Dec 21st, 09.08pm

Friday, Nov 21st 2008

I do think that the biggest problem of humankind is our incapability to distinguish what we need from what we want. Most of the time, we don’t need what we want and we think we don’t want what we need. When we want something, we usually make it our NEED. We talk and feel and act and hear as if we NEEDED IT SO MUCH. That we can’t live without it.

Maybe I’m just generalizing, but it really is my biggest problem at this moment.

I want something and I put it in a way that makes me feel like needing it. Oh yeah, so much. Very very much. I CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT IT. But I just can’t have it.

I literally can’t have it. And I will never be able to.

So what?

Turns out that I’m still breathing right now.

I’m still typing right now.

Still hearing the car’s roar from the street.

Still feeling the night breeze.

Still craving for chocolate to calm myself.

Still wanting it.

Still suffering the pain of not having it.

So what?

Guess I still have some chapters to learn for the exam.

Guess I will just sleep right away, studying now won’t make any good.

Guess I’m quite okay.

Guess I can stop bringing this topic up, like you wish.

Guess I can live without it.

I HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT IT ANYWAY.

SMU Hostel, November 21st, 10.42pm

Sunday, Nov 9th 2008

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
be with myself and center, clarity,
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

The path that I’m walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps til I’m full grown, full grown
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they
And I foreseek the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and uno cards
I‘ll be your best friend and you’ll be mine
Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
Cause I want to hold yours too
Well be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it’s time for me to go home
It’s getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity,
Peace, Serenity, yeah

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, Myself and I
We got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
and big girls don’t cry

Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

Friday, Nov 7th 2008

Saya tidak suka kata CUMA.

It’s in our blood. We, humans, are not easily satisfied. We are greedy. Greed is the one which makes the world goes round, said an economist. So, since I am a human, it is my right to be greedy sometimes. Well, of course “right” is not a proper word for it. But it is JUSTIFIABLE for me to be greedy.

I am greedy now.

I want more.

To be fair, I’ve already got what I want. I’ve seen what I want to see, I’ve heard what I want to hear. BUT, it is followed by the damned word CUMA.

All that i want, served in front of me I might say, but there’s a CUMA following.

And I don’t like it. I want more. Not that I’m egoistic, not that I’m childish, I just know that we are hypocrites. I know I want it, I know you want it. You don’t want to admit that YOU want it TOO. I have to pretend that I DON’T WANT IT. And it’s exhausting.

Since I know “you” are not going to read this after all, I’ll just spit it out. WE ARE THE HYPOCRITES. Oh yes, we are. I know you know that we all know, as long as there is a CUMA following your statement, it is not enough for both of us.

Do you say words like that to everyone?

Do you walk like that with everyone?

Do you ask questions like that to everyone?

Do you see their eyes the way you see mine?

Do you?

Cos if you do, then I’m not for you.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 7th, 05.38pm

Wednesday, Nov 5th 2008

Inikah rasanya bila ku sedang jatuh cinta?

Setiap hela nafas kubahagia

Mengenal hatimu hadirkan indahnya dunia

Kau bawa irama cinta di jiwa

Semua yang kumau hanyalah dirimu, satu

Kaulah jawaban semua doa

Semua yang kurasa rindu dalam asa

Didekap cinta

Hatiku untukmu

Haruskah diriku bertanya pada bintang-bintang?

Pantaskah ku mengharap cintanya?

Semua yang kumau hanyalah dirimu, satu

Kaulah pelita di dalam jiwa

Semua yang kurasa rindu dalam asa

Didekap cinta

Hatiku untukmu

Hanyalah untukmu

-Hanya Untukmu, Ten 2 Five

Jgn kuatir, gue cm lg dgr tu lagu n mnurud gue lagunya enak bgt. Hahaha.. Gawad ni, ujan trus bikin mellow.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 5th, 04.50pm

Saturday, Nov 1st 2008

I skipped the choir practice this morning. I really don’t feel like singing right now. Everything seems wrong, feels wrong, may be because everything IS wrong. Now I’m sitting alone in the library, looking through the window near printing room. What a spot, nice view, nice sofa, nice ambience. It doesn’t really help though. Some things are still wrong.

Life is full of twists and turns.

That’s why I love life. It never bores me. But for now, I do think I need something more stable. Something more steady. Because life has fooled me. There’s no such thing that is “steady”.

The only constant thing in this world is CHANGE. -Albert Einstein

I don’t like changes. Not this particular change, not this particular time. Not me.

Not me.

Life is ironic.

Li Ka Shing Library, Nov 1st, 03.19pm

Wednesday, Oct 29th 2008

My feet are cold.

My head is spinning.

And I start to think whether it’s because of you.

Well, not really. No need to be that proud. HAHAHA.

Ini pasti gara2 bsk kls pagi lengkap dgn presentasi n quiz. I dunno why, bsk kls kdua gue yg presentasi brg quiz. Pusing, ngantuk, mo kluar dr sini sejenak. Dan ada org yg msh brusaha bcanda. Sayang garing n malah bikin gue pgn marah.

Li Ka Shing Library, Oct 29th, 08.13pm

Sunday, Oct 26th 2008

Yup, it is Sunday. It is SUPPOSED TO BE Sunday. I’m at school right now, having Intro Econs meeting in the library. Don’t get me wrong, I like my groupmates. Very very much. They are very nice and helpful. The problem is I’ve been stucked in this project room for almost 3.5 HOURS! *brusaha menahan kata2 kasar*

Whatever.

Dr smalem, gue kpikiran a sort of cliche scenario in sinetrons. Itu tuh, klo tokoh utama cewe pasti dikejar ma 2 cowo. Cowo yg dia demen pasti cool bgt, dingin, kliatan ga sayang ma dia, nyakitin dia mulu, dsb, dsb. Cowo yg demen dia kbalikannya, pasti baik bgt, sayang ma dia, slalu ada tiap kali dia butuh, dkk, dkk. However, in all sinetrons I’ve watched so far, pasti si cewe slalu milih tersiksa. I don’t know why.

At very least, I know why I can’t be the tokoh utama cewe. Krn gue orgnya nyari gmpg bgt. Tau Princess Hours? Yg si tokoh utama cewe direbutin 2 pangeran ituhh. Si pangeran yg bae kan prnah ngajak dia kawin lari, wkt itu gue dah kpikir bgt I’M GONNA RUN AWAY WITH THIS CUTE PRINCE! Dan that’s exactly the reason why I’m not the tokoh sinetron. Filmnya bakal cepet tamat klo gue yg main. HAHAHAH. Anyway, this is just my random thoughts. Gue kpikir bgini krn kmrn mlm, somehow gue diperhadapkan ma 2 analogical options.

Bukan diperhadapkan ma 2 pangeran.

Certainly bukan.

Tp gue msti milih antara mnyelesaikan rasa sakit gue dgn cepat dan sekalian jalan, ato mnikmati si rasa sakit pelan2 dlm jangka waktu yg lbh lama demi mngurangi rasa sakit org lain. I know, ini sgt ambigu. I beg you to just read, no need to analize this post. Hahaha..

Intinya, gue milih yg kdua. Contradict bgt ma sudut pandang gue ttg kbodohan tokoh2 utama sinetron yg ga milih jln kluar yg lbh cpt n fun. Lucunya, for a moment I think I could feel what they’re feeling when they make a decision. Ada beberapa hal yg sangat lu sayang mpe lu rela jd martir ngorbanin diri lu sndiri. Yg gue mpe skr blm bs ngrti adalah mrk bs mlakukan hal2 itu tanpa ada slightest intention to tell everyone *baca : at very least si org yg ditolongin ituh*.

Gue ada random thought atu lg. Something related to apa yg kau tabur itulah yg kau tuai. Sbnrnya td gue dah ngetik pjg lebar tp tb2 disconnected n ilang sudah post saya. Anyway, td pagi gue lg tidur ditpon mami. Dan gue, thx to roommate gue yg td siang mid term n blajar mpe nyetel alarm tiap 2 jm skali biar ga ktiduran, NGANTUK ABIS. Jadi gue jwbnya singkat abis gitu. Iya, ga, bukan, biasa aja, yah gitu2 lah. Gue blm mrasa brdosa tuh.

Abis itu, tb2 gue keinget bwt tpon seseorg. Gue tny, “Udah bangun lo?”. Eh, reaksinya “YAUDAHLAH, org bntar lg jg dah mo jln!”. Err.. Kyknya gue tny bae2 deh. Gue tdnya dah mo ngamuk, ngoceh btapa gue dah bae bgt ma dia. *baca : intention to tell everyone* tb2 gue sadar, OH KAYAK GINI PRASAAN MAMI. Jd gue diem, dan gue mulai mikir btapa si cliche di sinetron itu sbnrnya dipake dlm keidupan juga. Nykp gue, gue, dan mgkn ratusan ribuan manusia laennya yg milih mnderita bwt org yg kita care for.

Apapun itu, these are just my random thoughts. Hasil contemplating slama meeting intro econs. Hahah..

Be good to the ones who care for you.

 

Li Ka Shing Library, Oct 26th, 06.20pm

Monday, Oct 20th 2008

Once upon a time, ada 2 org anak primary school.

They often quarrel, they just hate each other. Mrk saling benci mpe ke state where everything that the other one does was always wrong. Smua salah. No consideration. Akirnya guru mrk pny ide. He asked those two kids to face each other and he put a ball between them.

“What’s the color of the ball?” asked the teacher.

“It’s black,” said A.

“It’s white,” said B.

“Of course it’s black!”

“Are you colorblind? It certainly is white!!”

Mrk mulai saling marah lg. Gurunya cm tersenyum. Now he asked them to switch.

“What’s the color of the ball?” asked the teacher.

“It’s white,” said A helplessly.

“It’s black,” B admitted grimly.

Ternyata bola itu mank dua warna, depends on which side yg kita liat.

Klo lu pd happened to read my previous post, I have to admit that I only looked at my side of the ball. I failed to acknowledge that there’s another side. Dan gue salah krn si point of view gue yg subjective itu malah gue post, hurting people whom i don’t want to hurt.

So, I’ll try to make it up..

1. Yes, you’ve tried to warn me not to come for lunch. And yes, it was my fault that I didn’t feel my cell vibrating.

2. No, you didn’t know it was gonna happen. And yes, of course you had to offer her a seat.

3. No, you’re not a playboy.

4. No, I’m not supposed to post that and send the wrong message to the crowd.

5. I’m really sorry.

Gue bnr2 ga considerate. Gue pikir gue doank yg mnderita, gue yg trsiksa because of that AWKWARD LUNCH. Ga sadar bahwa gue sndiri yg polos bgt menjerumuskan diri ke sana. Ga sadar bahwa ngpost itu mencemarkan nama baik lu in one or other way.

So, I’m sorry.

I really am.

If I could I would turn back the time.

Orang bebal menyalahkan orang lain, orang yg setengah bijak menyalahkan dirinya sendiri, orang yg bijak tidak menyalahkan siapa2.

I’m not that wise, so I’m blaming myself.

 

Tersiksa perasaan berdosa, SMU Hostel, Oct 21st, 03.20am

Sunday, Oct 19th 2008

Entah knapa, manusia suka yg “paling”. I don’t know whether you guys realize this or not, tp biasanya klo kita nulis essay ato speaking test *at least di sma gue dulu* temanya pasti brkisar antara..

THE MOST influential person in your life.

THE MOST amazing achievement you’ve ever had.

THE MOST embarassing moment in your primary school.

Your MOST favorable job.

Dan kawan2. Everything yg ada kata MOST. So that’s why kali ini gue akan nulis soal THE MOST AWKWARD MOMENT IN MY LIFE. Hahaha.. *ya ampun, crita aja blm tp gue dah ktawa2 sndiri*

It happened today, just now malah. Td pagi gue ke gereja ma tmn gue, sebut aja FL. Pulang gereja FL msti lgsg meeting, jd gue ga bs lunch brg dia. Gue coba tpon tmn gue yg laen, sebut aja PANM. Dia lg mugging di Starbucks Raffles City, blm lunch, TAPI lg brg tmnnya yg kita sebut aja KK. Gue bknnya apa2, but I have a lot of things to do today, and since KK is a very persuasive person, gue takud kebujuk berhedon ria n menelantarkan tanggung jwb gue. Akirnya dgn bijaksana gue mutusin bwt mkn ma org laen aja. *klo lu tau lu ga bkl tahan dibujuk, jgn mempersulit diri lu sndiri dgn mndekati godaan*

 Jadilah akirnya gue tpon tmn gue yg laen, sbut aja BPL. Nah, si BPL ini sms gue pas di grj nanyain mo mkn di mana. Kebetulan dia di kopitiam n blm mkn jg. Yaudah dehh, gue ke sana. Di tengah ujan. Dgn payung yg dah ga jls bntuknya. KEUJANAN. Dan cardigan gue basah. PADAHAL ITU BARU. *hanya sbuah disclaimer* Anyways..

Di tngah ujan yg makin gede, gue ga brasa hp gue geter. Jd gue dah nympe kopitiam, udah MASUK, udah tpon BPL, waktu dia blg “sori, may.. ada tmn gue di sini..” dan sperti di sinetron, tb2 seorg cewe cakep naro tray di samping dia. SINETRON ABIS. Gue dah mulai ktawa dlm hati. Tp gue ttp ke sana juga. Yaiyalah, org niat gue mank mo makan.

Gue cm taro tas, snyum2 nyapa, trus ngabur pesen mknan. Tak lupa minta bala bantuan. *baca : tpon PANM* waktu gue balik, NAH. Baru dah I know what I’m dealing with. Jadi si tmn cewe BPL itu, sbut aja SCOC, dulu pnah pny story ma dia. Dan mrk mkn bdua aja suasananya dah agak awkward. SI BODOH MANA YG MALAH JD ORG KETIGA DI OCCASION SEPERTI ITU?? Err.. Saya.. *tunjuk tangan*

Ud baca post gue yg sblmnya? Di situ gue nls bedanya berbicara ma berkomunikasi. Gue jg nls btapa bahasa bs jd barrier. Di occasion td, kasusnya adalah si BPL bisa both mother tongue gue n SCOC. Kita smua bs English, but the problem is gue n SCOC saling ga ngerti mother tongue msg2. Scara susah lahh mo ngmg pk English, kan kagok. Jd jatohnya gue ngmg indo, dia ngmg mother tongue nya, dan BPL kliatan desperate. HAHAHAHAH.

Seriously, ITU AWKWARD BANGET.

AND I WAS TRAPPED IN THAT SITUATION WITH NOWHERE TO RUN.

Parah. Akirnya mrk slese mkn. *ntah knapa BPL mkn cpt bgt td* Mrk mo ke library. Si BPL masih BRANI2NYA NGAJAK GUE KE LIBRARY BARENG.

Btw, gue smpt tpon tmn gue yg cute, sbut aja GAS. =D

Tdnya gue mo pnjm buku dia bwt mugging di library, tp dia ga bawa. Hahaha.. *tuh udah gue tulisss..*

Gile, pdhl i’m pretty sure my face wasn’t that “cheerful”. Gue yakin gue tmpk merana to some extend, it’s just my dignity that kept me from showing it too apparently. Mrk akirnya jalan ke library, leaving gue brnapas dgn normal at last. Gue pun mngakhiri crita ini dgn sbuah antiklimaks, yaitu gue pulang ke kosan n ansos ria. *baca : ANtiSOSial*

You won’t believe btapa mahir seorg wanita mnanggung siksaan. Gue bs ktawa2, blanja susu, BAHKAN CHAT MA SI BPL ITU dgn ceria. You just don’t know bahwa utk maintain kceriaan ini gue dah minum secangkir gede Teh C and makan sekantong kcil Dark Chocolate Maltesers.

I don’t wanna do this again.

EVER.

 

SMU Hostel, Oct 19th, 03.41pm